The Treasure of Seeing

I was pondering how many times lately I’ve used the word “Look!” in the car lately in an attempt to decrease the incidence of “Are we there yet?”

I’m a child of Saturday morning cartoons and after school re-runs of Happy Days and Lavern and Shirley, but I have to say I’m not a real fan of having the TV on for more than an hour or two during any given day. I’m also not a big fan of the on board DVD players.

But to be honest, a borrowed unit did save my sanity when I traveled 6+ hours alone with my kids. But I didn’t feel good about it.

Lately, the kids and I have been playing the Corn and Beans Game. About 4 hours into my solo trip with them, I needed a pastime that would keep them from looking at one another. (Bill Cosby could not have been more right about sibling rivalry.) And so, the Corn and Beans Game was born.

“What do you see out your window? Corn or Beans?” In late June, it was difficult to tell. And when neither was present, we sometimes learned a new crop. “Wheat! Evergreens! Dead grass! Cows!” Every time the scenery changed, they’d get to shout what they had.

Increasing their awareness of what’s around them has led to some pretty interesting discoveries. “There’s a crashing plane that’s smoking!” We learned about crop dusters that day. Or the day my 3 year old saw the sun setting behind a cloud, perfectly displaying rays of light on every side, she burst with excitement from the backseat, “Look!!! Look, it’s God! Do you see it? Can you? It’s GOD!”

And because of her, we all could.

What have your children helped you see? What are you still missing?

The Gift/Curse of Conscious Choice

My coach sent me the email forward, “Carrot, Egg and Coffee Beans.” You may have read it. If not, I posted it below for your reading pleasure, as it’s a good one. Mary Sullivan is the author.

It’s about how we consciously choose to let adversity affect us.

As working parents, we’re faced with adversity on a daily basis. Someone’s hurt or someone’s sick, yet you have to get to work. Someone needs to be taken to this practice but the car is in the shop. You have an important meeting, yet you’ve had 4 hours of sleep and can’t find your skirt. The kids need school clothes and supplies yet your big client asked for a two month extension on his invoice…

We are left to consciously choose how to handle the situation as well as how we will let it affect us. The gift is that we get a choice. We have free will. As long as we’re willing to accept the consequences of our choices, we can (as our kids accuse us “grown ups” of) “do anything we want!”

The curse is that we have to make a choice. Often the choice with the best consequence isn’t the easiest one to choose. We have to disappoint in the moment in order to create a better big picture in the future. We have to covet our work hours to build a better business. We have to discipline the kids when it would take less energy to just let it go. And sometimes, we have to put our life's passions on the back burner to get food on the table.

These are tough times. You might be stressed to a boiling point. But if we can all brew the coffee while the water's hot and see the blessing in that scalding kettle, your smile comes back as you sip.

What choice will lift you up? Choose it.

Carrot, Egg and Coffee beans

A quick internet search taught me that this is not (contrary to popular belief) an anonymously written piece, although it's traveled through cyberspace as one. Mary Sullivan is the author. Enjoy. (And thanks, Mary!)

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, ha rd, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Riding the Current Wave

I asked several friends recently how they coped with loved ones dying from cancer. I was curious as I feel at a loss for how to support the unfortunately large number of friends and family who have recently been touched by this wretched disease.

One described switching into an almost auxiliary mode of adrenaline; swallowing each new step as it comes in, doing what you can with what you've got in the moment.

"Today, we're hearing the news from the oncologist. Now, we're understanding what chemo really means. Now, we're waiting to see what it did. Today, we're hearing the next news. Now we're getting affairs in order and talking openly about death. Now, we're doing death. Today we're doing funeral..." No matter what, she still had to wake with her daughter, feed her and head to work. The world didn't stop for her situation.

Another said that somewhere in the mix there are bouts of mourning, but it took weeks, maybe even months after she was gone to realize what really happened. Events like the first major holiday without her or a task like baking Christmas cookies would spur breakdowns.

What I gathered from their descriptions is to let my loved ones be right where they are on the wave. They might be in a state of shock, sadness, relief or anger or all of those at once. The other bit I learned is that "shoulding" on someone who's mourning is also pretty counterproductive to their process.

I've been watching a loved one get "should" on by very well-intentioned fellow mourners after the recent loss of her husband. "You should run away with us for the weekend... get right back to work... take a long vacation..." I simply can't imagine what she's going through, so how would I know what she "should" or "needs to" do?

I asked a well-respected grief counselor what to do. Be available. "Let her know you're there to help her in any way you can."

After the funeral, a group of us went out on the lake and hung out, anchored at their favorite beach. Even in the shallow water, the chop from the busy lake made it hard to stand at times, so we tried kneeling. It was cooler, but not much easier. The steadiest I felt was when I took my feet off the ground, immersed myself and floated, riding the waves.

Where would you like to ride the waves in your life? What's keeping you from lifting your feet?

Good Grief! Sometimes There Just Isn't Enough Lasagna

So when someone is down and out and needs some support, they typically get a meal from me. An easy one to double is lasagna.

Between family illnesses, surgeries and new babies, May and June were filled with "lasagnas" of one kind or another. Some were given, some received (remember, I yelled "Uncle!")

At a recent GAL-thering (congregation of women), a friend looked at me and said, "Man, you've got a LOT going on!" It took me a moment and then I skewed a Forrest Gump quote.

"Sometimes, there just isn't enough lasagna."

My youngest was pleased as punch to have an over abundance of her favorite dish which she refers to as "wizzonya." Perhaps that's what I could call Summer 08... The Summer of Wizzonya. All inferences welcome...

The funny thing about it is that I hadn't really put myself in the category of having that much piled on me. I can see way more piled on my loved ones. My eldest daughter had a similar situation this week. She was stung on the forehead by a deer fly and her whole face puffed to high bits. She looked like a Star Trek Klingon or Botox gone bad, but she couldn't see it or feel it. When I kept looking at her pitifully, asking if she was okay, she finally told me to knock it off. "I'm fine, Mom!"

It's hard to know that place of when concern turns to pity and when helping may imply you see helplessness. I suppose that's when intuition kicks in to let you know whether "I'm okay" really means "I'm okay" or not.

"When in doubt, go help out" is what I try to live by, even if I have to take my wizzonya and go home.

Talk to me. What do you think?

Winning In Increments

I read an article at Sparkpeople.com that talked about setting realistic goals in increments. The article was about weight loss. They gave the example that a woman weighing, say, 170 lbs, will aim to lose 40 lbs. That’s almost 24% of her weight.

When she loses 10 or 15 lbs, she feels like she’s failed, so she stops trying. They suggest aiming to lose 10% of whatever you weigh and giving yourself a reasonable amount of time to accomplish it. Once you have the first step done, aim for the next 10%. The energy you get from the win keeps you moving.

I’ve heard clients say that they won’t start something they can’t win. Wow. Depending on the definition you hold for “winning,” you could miss out on a whole lot.

An Indian colleague of mine, Mr. Hundekari, once told me, “you cannot eat an elephant in one bite.” It’s the same thing as the 10% rule, yet I can’t always assimilate analogies across subjects.

When it comes to goals involving numbers, the 10% rule helps me keep goals in bite sized pieces. In our super-sized world, we inadvertently think in big chunks and leaps and “pantry packs.” It takes conscious choice to be reasonable with, let alone gentle on ourselves.

So what kind of Sam’s Club goal have you dumped on yourself this month? Are you doubling your sales? Revamping your entire marketing strategy? Are you teaching your 2 year old to read AND use the toilet? What goal could you dive after knowing you can win?

A Dandelion at the Finish Line

I ran a 5K on the 4th of July.

I didn't break any records. In fact, in the home stretch, there was a 25 MPH speed limit sign that made my already cottoned mouth laugh to the point of nearly gagging. I composed myself straight away as my goal was to finish the race without dying or throwing up.

Having just recovered from pneumonia in early June and having scattered bits of travel and events throughout our June schedule, training was not in the forefront of my mind. Running certainly helped the stress during the week of my mom's surgery (and how hilarious to be watched by their 8 horses as I trekked up and down their winding driveway!) Despite the empowerment gained after a run, 10,000 excuses kept me from making it routine last month. Exhaustion and inconvenience were the top two.

After the first mile of the race, two teenagers passed me. I knew their ages by the "Class of" printed on their backs. There was no breeze, we were running on a gravel track through a wooded area and, for a second, I muttered under my breath. They haven't had pneumonia. They haven't had two kids. They probably slept more than 12 hrs in the last week.

It was kind of evil. I literally shook my head to knock the crap thought out. Breathing was getting really hard. So I started to pray. God, just get me to the finish line with minimal walking. I'd like not to be last, but finishing without puking is fine, too.

Then I heard Dorrie from Finding Nemo. "Just keep running. Just keep running, running, running." Logic and empathy kicked in.

How am I to know what these fine teens are up to anyway? They're here at 9am on a holiday, aren't they? Who knows what stresses befall them in this moment? Teen stresses are often much worse than puking or dying.

Then the miraculous happened. They started to walk. I passed them! I kept running and the breeze picked up for a moment. Finishing the race before two teens, I really began wondering if I had a megaphone on my inner monologue. (Scary thought.)

After the race, my 6 year old handed me a dandelion and a dead leaf. "Here you go, Mom. This is to make you feel better since you didn't win."

"Oh honey, but I did win. I just didn't come in first. Sometimes just finishing is winning." She was less than convinced.

No matter what, running has an empowering effect on me. Except, of course, when I don't do it. Then, by my own definition, I lose.

How do you define a win? What are you losing by simply not trying?