The Blame Flame

Last week my mom had surgery. She's fine, but the surgery was unsuccessful. As my dad and I waited for a day until her discharge from the hospital, we rode a coaster of anger, disappointment and yes, blame.

The doctors did what they were supposed to do. The surgeons suspected something going wrong during the procedure, weighed the risks and stopped, erring on the side of caution. This means we'll have to try again in 2 months to fix the problem. It means that the surgery was a big, expensive pain and physical and emotional inconvenience. It means that we have to wait even longer for her to feel well.

He and I discussed possibilities of other doctors, other options, what-ifs, whys and scenarios ending in "heads will roll." After running through a flaming battery of murky-watered woulda coulda shoudas, we settled into a place that was much more calm, crisp and clear.

On the way to go get Mom, Dad said, "I've been thinking about surrender." He went on. "Not the giving up kind. I mean the there isn't always an answer kind."

"You mean the letting go kind, right?" That was it. It's pretty freeing.

In a Michael J. Fox interview I read some time ago, he spoke of blame as going inward. I pictured it like heartburn. He then asked the interviewer, "Is it worth the effort to put the attention on blame?"

We came to a new place. "It is what it is and we move on from here." Without all the blame burning us up, we can focus our energies on Mom and ideas for moving forward, rather than a futile "who dun it."

What do you choose to let go of? What's available to you once you surrender?